This article appeared originally in the Wall Street Journal Online (www.wsj.com)
A few years ago I was – like some of you reading this – overextended, overworked, and deeply unhappy about it. I was a young psychology professor desperately seeking tenure, with two toddlers at home and a husband whose work kept him away for days at a time. I exercised once a week on a good week, rarely saw my friends or extended family, and couldn’t remember the last time I’d read a book that wasn’t about statistics.
It was just too much. Something had to give. And it did. I left my job, not knowing exactly what I was going to do next. It was the toughest decision I’ve ever made, but it was also one of the best.
As a psychologist who studies motivation, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why people give up too soon when trying to reach a goal. But the truth is, a lot of us suffer from the opposite problem: not knowing when, or how, to quit. We take on too many projects and commitments, and end up turning in 10 mediocre jobs instead of one or two stellar performances.
To be sure, quitting a job may not be an option for many, but most of us surround ourselves with plenty of unofficial projects that may not be worth pursuing.
So, why is it so hard to throw in the towel, even when on some level you know you should? For one thing, it’s embarrassing to admit to others that you’ve bitten off more than you can chew, or that you’ve made an error of judgment. No one likes to be thought of as a “quitter.” For another, quitting means contemplating the sunk costs – all the time and energy that you’ve already put into reaching your goal that you can never get back.
Of course, once you realize that you probably won’t succeed, or that success isn’t worth the unhappiness your project is causing you, it shouldn’t matter what the sunk costs are. If your job, your advanced degree, or your unfinished novel has taken up some of the best years of your life, it doesn’t make sense to give them even more years. That will only make you miserable.
But that doesn’t make walking away any easier. So here’s a simple game plan for cutting your losses.
At the outset:
– Figure out which goal has to go. It might be obvious, but most of the time it won’t be, so you’ll need to really give some serious thought to your priorities. What matters most to you? And, just as important, what makes you feel effective and fulfilled? Anything that doesn’t, might need to get the boot.
– Be confident. You’ll want to know that you are giving up your goal for the right reasons, so ask yourself these two questions:
(a) What do I need to reach this goal, and can I get what I need? Look at the whole picture. If successfully reaching this goal means more time and effort than you can spare without sacrificing other important goals, you may need to walk away. (Maybe you can’t work 50 hours a week, spend time with your kids, and write that screenplay, and that’s OK.)
(b)Will reaching this goal cost me too much? Will it make me unhappy? Sometimes the problem isn’t limited time and energy, it’s that you really don’t like what you’re doing as much as you thought you would. You find the process of reaching the goal boring, frustrating, or unrewarding. Circumstances change, and it’s OK for your goals to change too.
Once you’ve made up your mind that quitting is right move:
– Stop dwelling on the past. When regrets about sunk costs creep into your thinking, have a replacement thought ready, one that focuses on everything you gain from walking away and moving on. (Example: If I feel guilty about giving up on my unfinished novel, then I’ll remember how good it feels to have more time on the weekends with my kids.)
– Replace the goal with one that does work for you. To keep yourself moving forward and feeling satisfied with your choice, give some thought to what you will do instead. If you just don’t have the time to write a 600-page novel, is there some other way you could express your thoughts and creativity that you do have time for, like blogging?
–
Learning to know when to fold ’em is essential for your well-being, and ultimately for your personal and professional success, too. When you can give up on a goal that isn’t working, you’ll be freeing up the valuable resources you need to make the most of the goals you do pursue – the ones really worth pursuing.
Heidi,
Love what you wrote here. Peter Bregman also writes along this line about focus and how to make decisions and move on. Thought you and your readers might like this article: https://wp.me/p1irwj-fv
I remember being in a situation of being over-worked, under appreciated and frustrated many years back. One day I went to my boss and told him I simply didn’t want to work there anymore. I gave them a month’s notice and told them I had no job to go, I just knew I didn’t want to be there anymore. I was responsible for so much and I didn’t want to leave them stranded despite that it was the worst place I’ve ever worked with the most incompetent management I’ve ever worked for.
That was quite motivating for me. Something that has stuck with me was something Jerry Weinberg said at AYE: It doesn’t need to be this way.
People have much more control over their career than they think.
This post contains some truly powerful information. The “Know when to Fold ’em” section of Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals was actually my favorite section of the book! The framework you provide for evaluating whether or not you should give up a goal helped me to make the very difficult choice of giving up on one of my goals that I had for the semester, and I feel confident that I made the right choice.
Some other useful advice that I think could be used in conjunction with this post is your “Eventually I Would Like To” post: https://heidigranthalvorsontips.blogspot.com/2011/10/eventually-i-would-like-to.html. For me, this helped me realize that just because I was giving up a goal in the present this does not mean I can never return to the goal.
The only question I have regarding this article is in reference to your mention of stop dwelling on the past. In your book Succeed you reference a work that brings up Action v. State Orientation, which suggest that some individuals are able to naturally self-regulate their emotions more efficiently than others. I am a state-oriented individual and have a lot of problems with decisiveness and ruination over my decisions.
In Helen’s post above https://wp.me/p1irwj-fv the article suggests to make a decision and move on. But given that some people, i.e. state-oriented individuals naturally ruminate more about their decisions, it seems that just moving on and “Sailing” as the article suggest is much harder for some than others.
Just was to curious as to anyone’s thoughts about this subject, and any tips on how to become more decisive and confident in everyday decision making would be appreciated!
Heidi
I absolutely love this post! I was in a very similar position, and made a very similar decision with my life. My wife and I both have Ph.D’s from MIT, and life with two kids and two high powered careers was crazy.
I was overworked, and didn’t like the company, the management, or the project I was on. I needed a change, and knew it would never happen as long as I was in that job. It was too stressful and there was not time to think. So I quit. I didn’t know where it would go, but I knew at minimum that it would make life easier and less stressful for the whole family. Best thing I ever did.
For me, what helped was a focus on values. I realized that previously, the company and not my family was the most important thing to me in my life. (Shameful to admit now, but it was true.) While I told myself that my family came first, my actions told a different story. All my time was spent working.
I came to see the “company first” values were a modern form of idolatry. When I reconnected with my core values that put people ahead of the company, it became easy to start putting my family and my own health at the top of the list. And walking out the door, when the time came, was a no brainer.
This is the first time I’ve ever been to your website and that this article was the first I saw is particularly striking to me tonight. I’m in the middle of dealing with a right mess in the volunteer organization that I’m an officer in. I’ve been wondering the past couple of months if the stress was REALLY worth it and the latest thing to have happened has told me that no, it’s really not. Today, I’ve caught myself in the “but look at all the time I’ve wasted” trap as well as the “wow, I feel like a total failure” trap. I think it was providential that I saw this tonight because it not only reaffirmed some of the things that I have already been thinking but gave me ways to mentally handle the negatives that crop up inside my head.
Thank you for having taken the time to write this and thank you for sharing it.
Steve Job’s is quoted as saying that the reason Apple has been so successful is the 1,000 things they DIDN’T do. Focusing on one thing and doing it well is one of easiest ways to achieve success. Multiple good ideas can kill one great idea faster than anything else.
All excellent responses to a superb and thoughtful post. It’s always a great experience reading Heidi’s works.
I have found it so easy to wrapped around the axle while listening to all those who cheerleads “never give up”, “don’t quit”, “crush it”, and so on. Some going as far as stating “don’t plan, because it limits your freedom”.
Those ideas may work for people with deep pockets, I have come to the conclusion that I will write our “eject point” at the very beginning when I’m making the goal/plan. Another thought would be to back off a bit instead of stopping all together.
For me, the most difficult is reporting to the imaginary boss in my head and feeling all ashamed and guilty about “failing”. I’d love to just lock him up, and throw away the key.
Wow! This info has been so freaken helpful. Thank you so much. This also reaffirm what has been haunting me for so long, let go of all these projects and focus on one idea. I can do anything but can’t do a dam thang and now I know exactly what to do. Thanks again and also to the readers, thank you too!
I love this post and it was very timely for me as I also am a speaker and in the psychology field and blog on similar issues, and my next guest blog is going to be about signs when you know to give up a dream and replace it with a new one! So thanks for being on Stumble Upon! I will likely refer to your very timely post for me! It made a great case for letting go of some things so you can be open to other things.
Sometimes it is hard to know when to move on and I love the personal story of your own experience. Thanks. Also – I saw your profile I noticed we both live in the Valley!
How I wished I had had BOTH your books earlier in my life, Heidi, but now after many years, This article brought tears to my eyes.
I had a Chicago based nationally syndicated radio show, and the best producer on the planet, award winner, Jon Quick as well an kind Chicago producers. I procured guests, wrote all the copy, read authors’ book, etc. My husband and I made the 26 hour trip to and from Chicago every weeks for months until I had my own home recording studio overlooking beautiful Lake Michigan. I also had two local radio shows, a more than full private practice. Was I happy in the big time? Nope. Too blamed much. It was of the hardest decisions to make in my life. I will leave out the sordid parts of radio, but I had let it beat me down to the ground. I weighed 92 pounds and felt the worse I had in my life. After crying my eyes out and discussing it with my supportive husband , I quit. I never quit anything, so everyone was shocked and begged me to reconsider with a different syndicater. It took me weeks to get over everyone asking how and why I would quit when I was headed to the top. Why? The pay off of losing myself was not worth it. Why not take some time off and come back. Nope. I never looked back. I wish I had been a coach then, I would known better. The irony is I became a coach after this ordeal. I had the time! Goody. Thanks for all the good you do and for the joy you have brought my life in taking your Mentor Coach classes on motivation, Heidi. Love and appreciate your enlightening eye-opening self-disclosure stories. Big hugs!
How I wished I had had BOTH your books earlier in my life, Heidi, but now after many years, This article brought tears to my eyes.
I had a Chicago based nationally syndicated radio show, and the best producer on the planet, award winner, Jon Quick as well an kind Chicago producers. I procured guests, wrote all the copy, read authors’ book, etc. My husband and I made the 26 hour trip to and from Chicago every weeks for months until I had my own home recording studio overlooking beautiful Lake Michigan. I also had two local radio shows, a more than full private practice. Was I happy in the big time? Nope. Too blamed much. It was of the hardest decisions to make in my life. I will leave out the sordid parts of radio, but I had let it beat me down to the ground. I weighed 92 pounds and felt the worse I had in my life. After crying my eyes out and discussing it with my supportive husband , I quit. I never quit anything, so everyone was shocked and begged me to reconsider with a different syndicater. It took me weeks to get over everyone asking how and why I would quit when I was headed to the top. Why? The pay off of losing myself was not worth it. Why not take some time off and come back. Nope. I never looked back. I wish I had been a coach then, I would known better. The irony is I became a coach after this ordeal. I had the time! Goody. Thanks for all the good you do and for the joy you have brought my life in taking your Mentor Coach classes on motivation, Heidi. Love and appreciate your enlightening eye-opening self-disclosure stories. Big hugs!
What a fantastic site! A profoundly-written together with fantastic insights from other posters. If I may add, it’s always a risk to quit your job if you have not found your niche yet but the fun and adventure lies in finding where your heart is.